Christmas is my favorite holiday. Hands-down. Candy canes and Christmas lights may as well be my middle name.
Seriously.
December 2009 finds me wondering how Christmas can possibly be 3 days away and where my Christmas spirit is. Is it even possible to find my 'ho-ho-ho' with so few days left? I'm not sure.
Today was my last day at work for - wait for it, wait for it - 12 days. That's right. I'm not sure I've ever been in more need of a break. Or if a break was ever more deserved. Sounds slightly puffed up, I know - but I have worked really, really hard over the past few months. At a speed that I truthfully don't want to try to keep up with.
Back to Christmas and those 3 days. I haven't gotten Christmas cards out. I tossed something together this week that I'm absolutely not sending. It's not my best graphic work, that's for sure - but we also have not one decent photo in our catalog, so to speak. The camera phone is dandy, but it's become our "go to" for photos and a good family photo it does not take.
The truth of today is this: I've spent a good portion of it feeling weepy and well, crying. It's so stupid really. There's this 8-year-old girl living within me who experienced Christmas at its heights and depths. Once upon a time, I belonged to a family who was knitted to one another. Two sets of grandparents, two parents, two sisters, a gaggle of cousins and some of the best food around. We gathered for all the holidays. No questions asked.
I'm thankful for my husband's family who close to 18 years ago, took this raggamuffin in and made me one of their own. Christmas celebrations at Lee's mama's were something to behold. God, I miss her so much.
The death of our family matriarch (lee's mama) has left such a void over the years. The lack of Jesus in the family doesn't help. But we've limped through the years and I think are finally experiencing a small version of what Christmas used to be.
I don't know why this day has left me so sad. I started out by saying that December has been rough. But what I really think is this:
Life is shorter than we can imagine. It's too short for lies and grudges and wounds. It's not long enough for grandparents to not know their grandkids. The mom of twins in Hope's class passed away in her sleep a few weeks ago at age 37. Sometimes, we don't have tomorrow to make that thing right. Or change a way, send a card or remember a birthday.
Sometimes, we just have to celebrate what we have. Happiness takes courage. At least it does for me. And I'm determined to bring some joy into the most important holiday of the year.
The birth of Jesus.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
I tend to put on a few pounds during the winter months. Lack of exercise, abundance of holiday treats, and the illusion of control that exists in my mind.
This year, I entered October, determined that this wouldn't happen. I felt like things were going okay. True, exercise hasn't been happening much, but I've been watching what goes into la hatch and THINKING about exercising a lot. My brain hurts from the process, even.
Black Friday found me in Lane Bryant, looking for a dress. Those who know me well, know that shopping is one of my least favorite things. Especially for clothes. A holiday party was around the corner and jeans and my Uggs (okay, fake Uggs) weren't going to cut it. Hope was with me and we both laid eyes on the same dress, at the same time.
"Mom, that is SO cute. You should get it." So I did. My size wasn't on the rack, so the store ordered for me and had it delivered 3 days later. Just a few days before the party. I felt good about the purchase. My jeans were fitting. And like I said, I've been watching what goes into "la hatch."
You can probably already guess how this ends.
The dress arrived. It didn't fit. I was shocked. Granted, it wasn't a very forgiving material - but the reality is, it didn't fit.
To back up 20 steps, going to a "dress up" party is not my thing at all. In fact, it's the opposite of my thing. While I did purchase a ticket to this ladies night out at the Murano, it was to help a friend who really wanted to go. This kind of night, is truly her kind of night.
The ill-fitting (okay, non-fitting) dress sent me to a bad place. I went to Lane Bryant the next day. Numerous phone calls unearthed the fact that my dress wasn't available in larger sizes.
Super.
I pulled five dresses into the fitting room with me. Gross. Too small. Horrible. Too tight. Too low. A last ditch effort found me with a black number that didn't look awful. Lane Bryant thankfully exchanged it at the "black friday price" and off I went. Two sizes greater than I normally wear.
Two. Sizes.
The evening came and went. My friend, whom we all rallied around, came down with a horrific case of the flu and couldn't go. She asked that we all go without her. I wish I had listened to my gut and bagged it. Not so much because of the dress fiasco, but because the only reason I agreed to go, was for her. And she tends to be the glue in those types of situations. The night wasn't horrible and some laughs were had.
Me and the dress? Not pretty. I don't think I have ever felt so uncomfortable in all of my days. One of the girls managed to grab 3 photos of us that evening. To say I didn't want to pose for pics is the understatement of the year. But I did it. They are floating around on facebook right now and I am horrified. Refusing to tag myself.
So what am I going to do about it? Very privately continuing to try. Yesterday, I bonded with my treadmill. I won't lie. Eighteen minutes of jogging was all I could muster. I'm about to bond with it again momentarily. If you've read any of my blogposts, the question is likely looming for you too, "How long will she stick with it this time?"
I don't have the answer to that. But I am so sick of myself I could spit.
One of my dearests friends and most favorite people comes to World Vision every Monday. I'm never there, so I rarely see her. Except for last week. I was there. So was she. She's very tall - 6'1, I think. And has gained a lot of weight over the past few years. Two babies and life struggles can do that to a girl.
I was thrilled to see my girl and SHOCKED to see how thin she was. She did the growth hormone program. And to quote her: "It was the worst 40 days of hell I have ever seen." She's on the "resting" phase. And not sure if she'll pick it up again for the next 40 days stint. What's the trick? The ads say the growth hormone, but she said it's the 500 calorie/day diet. Even with the hormone, she was starving. Crying into the night because she was SO freaking hungry.
The bigger thing it showed her is how enmeshed she is with food - and how broken she was without it.
I'm not sure what all of this means. I know that I have an addictive non-hunger-driven habit of eating what I want and overeating. And a pension to lethargy. These things combined have brought me to larger than life proportions that will not go away without exercise and diet control.
I'm so over this - but that's nothing new. I'm tired of the multiple personalities I seem to exhibit when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm all in or all out. Nothing in between.
For now, only the blogwaves will know my journey and struggle. I'm so sick of talking about exercising - why I do, why I don't, why I eat, why I overeat. For now, I'm just focusing on today. Aiming to make one good choice after another.
Last night, after a very good day, I found myself taking shots of whipped cream before bed. Disgusting, I know. It crossed my mind not to, but I did it anyhow. And THAT is the habit that needs to be broken. Last night, whipped cream. Another night, 2,000 calories of something more disruptive.
Here's to focusing on today. And asking God for help.
This year, I entered October, determined that this wouldn't happen. I felt like things were going okay. True, exercise hasn't been happening much, but I've been watching what goes into la hatch and THINKING about exercising a lot. My brain hurts from the process, even.
Black Friday found me in Lane Bryant, looking for a dress. Those who know me well, know that shopping is one of my least favorite things. Especially for clothes. A holiday party was around the corner and jeans and my Uggs (okay, fake Uggs) weren't going to cut it. Hope was with me and we both laid eyes on the same dress, at the same time.
"Mom, that is SO cute. You should get it." So I did. My size wasn't on the rack, so the store ordered for me and had it delivered 3 days later. Just a few days before the party. I felt good about the purchase. My jeans were fitting. And like I said, I've been watching what goes into "la hatch."
You can probably already guess how this ends.
The dress arrived. It didn't fit. I was shocked. Granted, it wasn't a very forgiving material - but the reality is, it didn't fit.
To back up 20 steps, going to a "dress up" party is not my thing at all. In fact, it's the opposite of my thing. While I did purchase a ticket to this ladies night out at the Murano, it was to help a friend who really wanted to go. This kind of night, is truly her kind of night.
The ill-fitting (okay, non-fitting) dress sent me to a bad place. I went to Lane Bryant the next day. Numerous phone calls unearthed the fact that my dress wasn't available in larger sizes.
Super.
I pulled five dresses into the fitting room with me. Gross. Too small. Horrible. Too tight. Too low. A last ditch effort found me with a black number that didn't look awful. Lane Bryant thankfully exchanged it at the "black friday price" and off I went. Two sizes greater than I normally wear.
Two. Sizes.
The evening came and went. My friend, whom we all rallied around, came down with a horrific case of the flu and couldn't go. She asked that we all go without her. I wish I had listened to my gut and bagged it. Not so much because of the dress fiasco, but because the only reason I agreed to go, was for her. And she tends to be the glue in those types of situations. The night wasn't horrible and some laughs were had.
Me and the dress? Not pretty. I don't think I have ever felt so uncomfortable in all of my days. One of the girls managed to grab 3 photos of us that evening. To say I didn't want to pose for pics is the understatement of the year. But I did it. They are floating around on facebook right now and I am horrified. Refusing to tag myself.
So what am I going to do about it? Very privately continuing to try. Yesterday, I bonded with my treadmill. I won't lie. Eighteen minutes of jogging was all I could muster. I'm about to bond with it again momentarily. If you've read any of my blogposts, the question is likely looming for you too, "How long will she stick with it this time?"
I don't have the answer to that. But I am so sick of myself I could spit.
One of my dearests friends and most favorite people comes to World Vision every Monday. I'm never there, so I rarely see her. Except for last week. I was there. So was she. She's very tall - 6'1, I think. And has gained a lot of weight over the past few years. Two babies and life struggles can do that to a girl.
I was thrilled to see my girl and SHOCKED to see how thin she was. She did the growth hormone program. And to quote her: "It was the worst 40 days of hell I have ever seen." She's on the "resting" phase. And not sure if she'll pick it up again for the next 40 days stint. What's the trick? The ads say the growth hormone, but she said it's the 500 calorie/day diet. Even with the hormone, she was starving. Crying into the night because she was SO freaking hungry.
The bigger thing it showed her is how enmeshed she is with food - and how broken she was without it.
I'm not sure what all of this means. I know that I have an addictive non-hunger-driven habit of eating what I want and overeating. And a pension to lethargy. These things combined have brought me to larger than life proportions that will not go away without exercise and diet control.
I'm so over this - but that's nothing new. I'm tired of the multiple personalities I seem to exhibit when it comes to diet and exercise. I'm all in or all out. Nothing in between.
For now, only the blogwaves will know my journey and struggle. I'm so sick of talking about exercising - why I do, why I don't, why I eat, why I overeat. For now, I'm just focusing on today. Aiming to make one good choice after another.
Last night, after a very good day, I found myself taking shots of whipped cream before bed. Disgusting, I know. It crossed my mind not to, but I did it anyhow. And THAT is the habit that needs to be broken. Last night, whipped cream. Another night, 2,000 calories of something more disruptive.
Here's to focusing on today. And asking God for help.
Monday, December 7, 2009
thankfulness on a freezing monday
I really thought this list would be longer by now. Like most things, I "forget to remember." Beginning with #202...here are some gratitude nuggets for this FREEZING Monday morning.
202. the reason we celebrate Christmas (birth of Jesus)
203. stepping out of comfort zones.
204. a home to decorate
205. Christmas decorations
206. Christmas lights
207. driving home at night amid the glow of holiday lights
208. rollerskating
209. Martha Stewart
210. Christmas baking
211. doing new things
212. not taking things personally
213. being different
214. a 9-year-old's reasoning
215. a body that functions
216. a legacy left
217. striving to be better
218. frosty crisp branches on morning tree
219. hand-crocheted blankets
220. freshly cut hair
221. Uggs. at 6 am in the morning.
222. hot tea in new cups
223. knowing someone so well
224. power amidst a wind storm
225. the freshness of monday
I'd also like to ask for prayer for a family in my daughter's class. Twins - Nate and Zack. Their mama died in her sleep in Thursday. She was very young and supermom to all. It's been very sad - beyond sad. All the girls at Hope's cookie party on Saturday have been closely affected. Life is short. Live well.
Happy Monday. :)
202. the reason we celebrate Christmas (birth of Jesus)
203. stepping out of comfort zones.
204. a home to decorate
205. Christmas decorations
206. Christmas lights
207. driving home at night amid the glow of holiday lights
208. rollerskating
209. Martha Stewart
210. Christmas baking
211. doing new things
212. not taking things personally
213. being different
214. a 9-year-old's reasoning
215. a body that functions
216. a legacy left
217. striving to be better
218. frosty crisp branches on morning tree
219. hand-crocheted blankets
220. freshly cut hair
221. Uggs. at 6 am in the morning.
222. hot tea in new cups
223. knowing someone so well
224. power amidst a wind storm
225. the freshness of monday
I'd also like to ask for prayer for a family in my daughter's class. Twins - Nate and Zack. Their mama died in her sleep in Thursday. She was very young and supermom to all. It's been very sad - beyond sad. All the girls at Hope's cookie party on Saturday have been closely affected. Life is short. Live well.
Happy Monday. :)
Monday, November 23, 2009
joy finder
Being raised amongst "an unhappy people" makes for lots of things. Cyncism. A critical nature. Anger. Addiction. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Mistaking love for something that isn't. Seeking out happy people - because you aren't.
The reality is, happines is temperal. It doesn't last. I was happy (thrilled, even) when my friend/neighbor brought some freshly baked, piping hot pear bread to my door. While I was 'happy' to eat the bread, the memory of my friend's thoughtfulness and her relationship with me is what joy is made of. Joy lasts. Happiness is fleeting.
In the quest to be a joy-finder, comfortable boxes have to be stepped out of and the propensity toward finding satisfaction in a moment needs to be overcome. I want the kind of joy that lives and breathes on its own. That bubbles up, overflows and consumes everyone around me.
I'm still working on it. In the meantime, here's the monday morning edition of (and addition to) "1000 Gifts."
171. Christmas music - even before Thanksgiving.
171. a growing daughter - physically, emotionally and spiritually
172. God's love. it's huge.
173. stepping outside of the comfort zone.
174. husbands who grocery shop
175. electricity.
176. autum leaves.
177. vitamin d.
178. homemade stew
179. a husband that enjoys cooking.
180. lavender vanilla. in various forms.
181. piping hot coffee.
182. hysterical laughter
183. costco.
184. remembering birthdays
185. planning a holiday
186. recognizing joyful people
187. finding patience.
188. humility.
189. seeking joy instead of momentary satisfaction.
190. the feel of a new tablet without words.
191. holding fast to believes, albeit unpopular.
192. new responsibilities and a good attitude.
193. friendships that require work - but weather the years.
194. accepting the weaknesses of others.
195. recognizing strengths at the same time
196. knowing that no 'one person' will be perfect for us.
197. genuine kindness.
198. hope's Dsi
199. planning our 'black friday' tradition.
200. allowing joy to live and breathe. even when it hurts.
201. memories. like this one.
Happy Monday. Here's to finding joy as we journey.
Monday, November 9, 2009
November Monday Gratitude
Not sure if it's the weather or the season, but I find myself sorely in need of some gratitude. Meaning, the need to remind myself of what I have and the blessing of breath in my lungs.
151. the honor of praying for this family, whose little boy just went home to be with Jesus last night.
152. my own little girl, who lives and breathes, and challenges and loves out loud
153. cold weather
154. fleece pajamas and cozy socks
155. one stubborn husband
156. my sister-in-law, who left her life for a week to run ours
157. saying 'yes' when my selfishness wants to say 'no'
158. moms who said 'yes' to watching my kidlet when their selfishness wanted to say 'no'
159. a collection of old photos that capture days' passed
160. a week of meetings with some of public radio's smartest people around
161. "out of the box" experiences that make the story more interesting
162. green tea candles
163. pondering forgiveness.
164. pondering anger. and the need to forgive
165. dirty clothes that live everywhere but the hamper
166. unmade beds
167. a broken heart for a family i have never met
168. laughter in unexpected places.
169. the connection facebook provides
170. a full and gentle night's sleep
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
An easy blog
1. What is your favorite thing to snack on while your blogging? I don’t really snack while blogging. I am usually drinking coffee. Or tea. Depending on the hour of the blog.
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My non-spiritual answer is: my CPAP machine. It’s made sleep possible in my life. My bible would be more impressive - just being honest.
3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?Beach. Beach. Beach. Mountains if I had a cabin to drive to. Never a farm. Never. Never. Never.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Unloading the dishwasher with putting away folded laundry a close second.
5. Who do people say you remind them of? When I was thinner (back in the day) – the mermaid from splash. I can’t even remember her name. She dated Joe Jackson in the 80s. Hannah something?
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam? I like to socialize – but I lean toward the life of a loner. Depends what form the socializing comes in!
7. What's your all time favorite movie? Beaches.
8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night? Probably a hit/miss on this one. Depends. I know, I know.
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? Deep, hidden talent? I can wiggle my ears and nose. Something I want to learn? I’d love to speak another language fluently. I always say Spanish, because I took 4 years in college. But really, I’d love to speak French.
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? Archery on the Wii.
11. What first attracted you to your spouse? He was very kind and cute.
12. What is something you love to smell? Vanilla/Lavender…downy. lotion. candle. And Light Blue by Dolce Gabanna. And the bamboo candles/spray from Pier 1.
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I am chronically early and can be annoying about it. Meaning, annoying about needing to be early. Obsessively so. And it makes me NUTS when people are chronically late. NUTS.
14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?
Pick up a little something for Hope, buy some super cool stationary or a tasty smelling candle.
15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?I wish I were more of a silent laughter. My laugh is loud at first –then moves to a silent shake, then wheeze. It’s not pretty y’all. What makes me laugh the hardest? Anyone who is truly funny, usually. My sister, Katie usually sends me to fits of laughter. And my friend Shannon is hands-down the funniest chick I know.
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Nordstrom.
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? Pick up scrapbooking again.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal? If I have the dough, I’m a bit of a spender with a sprinkle of frugality.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time? Nothing is popping to mind here. Mr. Darcy?
20. Would you want to be famous?Not really. It would be cool to be a published writer – but not so much famous.
Isn't your life better for having read this? Geez. :)
2. What is one thing you wouldn't want to live without? My non-spiritual answer is: my CPAP machine. It’s made sleep possible in my life. My bible would be more impressive - just being honest.
3. Beach, Mountains, or Farm? Where would you live if you had a choice?Beach. Beach. Beach. Mountains if I had a cabin to drive to. Never a farm. Never. Never. Never.
4. What's your least favorite chore/household duty? Unloading the dishwasher with putting away folded laundry a close second.
5. Who do people say you remind them of? When I was thinner (back in the day) – the mermaid from splash. I can’t even remember her name. She dated Joe Jackson in the 80s. Hannah something?
6. Prefer parties and socializing or staying home with the fam? I like to socialize – but I lean toward the life of a loner. Depends what form the socializing comes in!
7. What's your all time favorite movie? Beaches.
8. Do you sleep in your make-up or remove it like a good little girl every night? Probably a hit/miss on this one. Depends. I know, I know.
9. Do you have a hidden talent or a deep desire to learn something that you've never had a chance to learn? What is it? Deep, hidden talent? I can wiggle my ears and nose. Something I want to learn? I’d love to speak another language fluently. I always say Spanish, because I took 4 years in college. But really, I’d love to speak French.
10. What's one strange thing you're really good at? Archery on the Wii.
11. What first attracted you to your spouse? He was very kind and cute.
12. What is something you love to smell? Vanilla/Lavender…downy. lotion. candle. And Light Blue by Dolce Gabanna. And the bamboo candles/spray from Pier 1.
13. Tell something about you that you know irritates people. I am chronically early and can be annoying about it. Meaning, annoying about needing to be early. Obsessively so. And it makes me NUTS when people are chronically late. NUTS.
14. When you have extra money, what's the first thing you think to do with it?
Pick up a little something for Hope, buy some super cool stationary or a tasty smelling candle.
15. Are you a silent laugher or a loud laugher? What makes you laugh the hardest?I wish I were more of a silent laughter. My laugh is loud at first –then moves to a silent shake, then wheeze. It’s not pretty y’all. What makes me laugh the hardest? Anyone who is truly funny, usually. My sister, Katie usually sends me to fits of laughter. And my friend Shannon is hands-down the funniest chick I know.
16. Where is your favorite place to shop? Nordstrom.
17. What's one thing you'd do more often if you had more time? Pick up scrapbooking again.
18. Are you a big spender or frugal? If I have the dough, I’m a bit of a spender with a sprinkle of frugality.
19. Who is your favorite character of all time? Nothing is popping to mind here. Mr. Darcy?
20. Would you want to be famous?Not really. It would be cool to be a published writer – but not so much famous.
Isn't your life better for having read this? Geez. :)
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